Saturday, April 23, 5:20 am... it is official... my sister in law... Tonya Ann Watt is no longer with us on this earth. That was probably the case several hours before, but 5:20 is when it actually came out of the doctor's mouth.
Tonya had spent the previous week in Washington D.C. with her ex-husband's sister. She had taken off that week to carry her 9 year old son, Dylan, to see Washington. It was his spring break. "Spring"... a word that carries with it thoughts of new beginnings. This particular new beginning was one that none of us saw coming... in fact I still have to stop and remind myself that this has really happened.
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On their way home Friday, Tonya had a brain aneurism that led to a wreck. The car rolled several times... Dylan was not physically harmed beyond some scratches on his arm and neck from the seat belt. The wreck happened around Richmond, VA. We got a call to head to VCU hospital around 2 pm on Friday afternoon. We could not get any information over the phone as we travelled that way. But from the minute we arrived at the hospital, we knew it was bad. What followed was the longest night of my life.
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Since that weekend, lots of emotions have run rampant among everyone involved in Tonya's life... it would be more correct to say everyone's life that Tonya was involved in. Literally hundreds of people have shared how she was involved in their lives... you can read about many of those stories here... this link is from a blog that some of her church family has set up to remember her... these posts will eventually be put together in a book for her son.
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There is not enough time or space on this blog to write about how great of a person Tonya was and how she has selflessly helped so many people. So I will leave that for you to read for yourself elsewhere. And I also know that some who will read this did not know her and will probably get bored pretty quick, so I will try to get to the point.
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Although many thoughts and emotions have gone through my head and heart since that weekend, there is one particularly strong lesson I have learned.
Setting the stage for this lesson is a little touchy. So I will try to do so carefully.
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Tonya had been married to a Marine (Dylan's dad) for most of Dylan's life. And although their divorce was not official until late last year, they spent most of their marriage apart from one another. Due to the very nature of divorce, I will not attempt any "he said" "she said" stuff... but it is enough to say that probably neither party is without fault. So regardless of how all of that stuff went down, there is one sure thing that has been heavy on my heart and that I hope will change me in deep ways for a long time to come.
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You see, I have listened to so many people tell me how great Tonya was and the things she did to change each of their lives. I began wondering if any of those people ever told her how much she meant to them (I know I probably did not). And then I realized that even if every one of us were to have sang her praise to her (which she would never have wanted) even if we had, there was still something missing.
At the end of the day, when the house was quiet, when Dylan was in bed and the dog was sleeping at the back door... she did not have a husband to sit with her on the couch and tell her how beautiful he thought she was and how great it was to have her as his bride. She did not go to bed and wake up with a man who would walk her through the good and bad days. Remember, I am not out to deify Tonya or make her ex-husband out to be the bad guy... but the fact of the matter is that she did not have that in her life (for whatever reason). That has saddened me deeply.
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Sad enough to make a conscience decision to not let anyone else ever sing my wife's praises louder than I do. Not to ever let my wife doubt that, next to Christ, she is the greatest gift God has ever blessed me with. And I hope God grants me words and actions to express how great and beautiful she is every day for the rest of our lives. So Elizabeth, I have let you down in many ways in our marriage... I have treated you ugly, intentionally said hurtful words, acted without patience or kindness... this list could go on (and you know it)... but I want you to know that my greatest offense to you is the things I have failed to say, the things I have failed to do to show you what you mean to me. I am sorry and I love you.
3 comments:
Jason and Beth, I am so sorry about the passing of Tonya. I cannot imagine what it is like to lose a sister...I cannot imagine the hurt, the pain, the loss that you all must feel.
Jason, I have to say, that while you have always had a way with words, you never cease to amaze me with your ability to touch my heart with them. I so very much appreciate your rawness and vulnerability because I believe we have all been guilty of not saying the things we need to say about and to people - but especially our spouses. I too - especially now - am going to make a conscious effort to sing the praises of my husband louder than anyone else. I truly know how blessed I am to have him and I never tell him enough.
You know that I believe God has a plan for all of us and we may never know that plan or understand it...this story of the life of a person I never knew has made a change in me. Thank you for sharing this part of her story and know that our family is praying for your family. We are praying that God will ease the pain of her loss and that God will continue to shine through her stories and her son. We love you and Beth and Adele.
Honest. Raw. Heartbreaking. Excellent.
Now I'm going to go tell Autumn how great she is and how blessed I am to have her in my life...
Thank you brother for sharing. I knew Tonya, but not really well. Yet I felt, and still feel, deep sadness for the time she did live without a loving, intentional husband. The thing I'm holding on to is that she will be a bride again, as all believers will be, at the marriage supper of the Lamb, and this groom will not abandon or neglect her nor us. May Christ by the Spirit guard and nurture the heart of Dylan.
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